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  • The Demise of “Cathy”
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me: So, our favorite lesbi-man is going to be back in the lower 48 soon apparently
tycho: awesome
tycho: I spent yesterday doing something that Andy would have loved
me: Learning the banjo?
tycho: sacred harp all day singing in NYC

Yesterday my mom and I did some comprehensive shoe shopping, which went pretty well considering I have large, uniquely shaped feet. My friend Sam, who is the king of not just the Birkenstock and clogs school of thought but also wearing them with handknitted socks (can you tell he is the best?), seemed the right person to tell about my new sandals:

caroline: Shmuel
tychoish: yes dearest
caroline: I bought some Birkenstocks today.
caroline: First pair.
tychoish: you’ll have a girlfriend by the end of the summer

Zach: yay House
Zach: he’s so dreamy!
Caroline: Um, he really is, in case you aren’t being serious.

Note: When I say “LOL” I really am.

tychoish: I ordered a 40 ounce tea pot
tychoish: and I’d really like to get a 50 ounce carafe or something, but sigh

Caroline: Hahaha
Caroline: Life is soooo hard
Caroline: My teapot isn’t big enough

tychoish: lol
tychoish: that sounds like the bookish nerd’s answer to the milkshake song
tychoish: my teapot brings all the boys to the parlor

Caroline: LOL
Caroline: If you do not post this interchange somewhere, I will.

ed: the butthole surfers also do a great cover of underdog
caroline: hahaha. too bad their name makes me want to boycott them forever.
ed: what?
ed: oh god, caroline. there are things wrong with you.

one of my favorite quotes is from an episode of m*a*s*h. hawkeye tells someone, “you’re not self-destructive. take it from the guy who keeps sticking his finger in the pencil sharpener.” in so many ways i live my life trying to avoid self-destruction, but this is exactly when i walked into it: when i least expected and was focusing on other things. blindsided. i put it out of my mind for long periods of time only to get hit over the head with it again. if only there were a way to erase feelings written in permanent ink.

* * *

i can’t figure out why it’s the hardest thing in the world to get rid of some mediocre friends. maybe because it feels more like on a basic level we are speaking different languages, just completely missing the other person’s point and getting frustrated. maybe because i am always afraid that for some reason friends do not stick to me and my standards are too high. but being ignored, being fed excuses, these aren’t friendly things. it’s their context that makes them ambiguous. i don’t know what to do. life without risk isn’t as exciting; the pencil sharpener has purpose.

* * *

caroline: i decided officially that i don’t care if she hates me because she is a non-hand-washer who has bad taste.
caroline: the not hand washing is really the dealbreaker.
caroline: i mean, come on.
rich: It’s really that big a deal? I mean, yeah, it’s gross to not wash your hands. But dealbreaker?
caroline: um, YES.
rich: haha wow
caroline: how could it not be?
caroline: you can never touch her hands.
caroline: or touch anything she’s touched!
caroline: AND it is just a principle thing. I MEAN WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOESN’T WASH HER HANDS.
rich: A dirty person who doesn’t look good in yoga pants.
caroline: it’d be like someone who never showers.
caroline: (ALSO a dealbreaker.)
rich: Yeah, never showering is way worse.
caroline: NO!
caroline: they are equally awful!
caroline: you seem to be thinking not washing hands isn’t a very big deal. which is weird!
rich: Not at all! People who don’t shower smell bad.
rich: No, it’s a big deal. But it’s not on par with never showering.
caroline: people who don’t wash their hands have bathroom remnants on their hands!
rich: People who never shower have everything remnants everywhere!

touché!

* * *

yesterday i peeled off the outside bandage on my incision. underneath, there is still surgical tape over the stitches, but it is clear and i can see the future of the scar, which looks to be as minimal as can be expected. i worry that a body that already makes me so self-conscious can only do so more potently now. this is the way of the modern world, i guess, in which our media role models occupy the poverty zone of body weight, their bodies maintaining no character or individualism. but i would still rather not have this scar.

aaron: since you haven’t been up for 24 hours:
aaron: opinion poll: what percentage of psychiatric diagnoses does everyone believe are in error or ________.
aaron: what is the word i am looking for? it’s like a mix of redundant and extraneous but not quite either.
aaron: unnecessary would work, but it’s not what i want.
caroline: haha um, un–okay never mind haha
caroline: hmm
aaron: not spurious.
aaron: but like spurious.
caroline: profligate?
aaron: that works, but it’s not what i’m looking for.
aaron: I KNOW THIS WORD AND IT IS BUGGING ME
caroline: licentious?
aaron: nope
aaron: not disingenuous either
caroline: indulgent?
aaron: it is a word that sounds somewhat like spurious, i’m sure of it.
aaron: not suspect
caroline: surreptitious?
aaron: YES

[01:34] someone: a few years later, my ex boyfriend was telling me this horror story of this girl falling down in vomit in the hallway
[01:34] someone: and i was like ‘was it the language hallway, in october?’
[01:34] someone: and he was like, ‘yeah…’
[01:34] someone: and i was like, ‘was it pink?’
[01:34] someone: and he was like, ‘yeah…’
[01:34] someone: and i was like ‘OMG THAT WAS MINE SOMEONE FELL IN IT YESS’
[01:35] someone: it’s like leaving a banana in mario kart
[01:35] someone: and then your guy gets all happy when someone finally runs into it

caroline: but just now someone imed me asking, “are you laura from yesterday?”
caroline: and i was like. nope.
ramona: hmm. weird.
ramona: you should have said yes and that you waited all afternoon at the zoo but they never showed and so you were going to kill yourself.
caroline: hahaha!
caroline: you are so right.

miss arminda imed me:

arminda: Also, more importantly, how is your love pumpkin?

i showed rich, who explained:

rich: Haha. If you ever call me that, we’ll have words.

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