the flood of people rushing back into beloit is even more surreal than in years past — for the first time, there’s no one to point to who’s more experienced or learned about beloit, because our class is the oldest. i’ve also lost the impetus to meet first-years; there’s something inherently suspect in introducing yourself to people three years younger with whom you inevitably have very little in common. i’ll meet some through the newspaper, and maybe through a class, and that’s fine. the question is, what distinguishes seniors from underclassmen? maybe our calm confusion as we see our futures.

is it better to put up with people i don’t like, and make nice in social situations, than to be more frank about my feelings? i tend to believe that going along is harmless in some instances, and big public gatherings are among these. like most adults, i am skilled at the purposeful ignore. but there is also a whole group of people with whom i like talking when we’re in a crowd together, who are fun in certain contexts, who are entertaining whilst under the influence. the well-roundedness of the social scene is what really appeals to me.

max and i also talked about the way people change during their years at school. max said he remembers himself as a first-year and thinks he must have looked like a total idiot. the thing is, everyone looked like an idiot at one point, even sober squares like me. and the other day, when i saw a faculty member kick a runaway grape under a table to avoid having to pick it up, it was comforting to think that those idiot moments would continue indefinitely. comforting and embarrassing, maybe. i’m hopeful that they’ll become less frequent, but can’t promise.

c.y.a.: cover your ass.

he was using it in reference to my writing job, where my boss has been a little irresponsible and then tried to shift some blame to me. but really, this is my new motto. when i often get that feeling like i’m a six-foot-tall bull in a china shop, i know this philosophy is right — maybe being more conscious of my actions will help me learn to c.y.a.