a friend of our family, who has always inflated me with praises like “you’re my hero,” talked to my dad about my future. my dad said i’m considering law school and mike said, “it doesn’t matter where she goes to law school — she’s just going to end up working at the aclu anyway.” last night i talked to max about my future. graduate school in english or law school? he asked which i wanted more, and i had no idea. i am paving my future with as many options as possible to avoid ruling anything out. maybe it will work.

the flood of people rushing back into beloit is even more surreal than in years past — for the first time, there’s no one to point to who’s more experienced or learned about beloit, because our class is the oldest. i’ve also lost the impetus to meet first-years; there’s something inherently suspect in introducing yourself to people three years younger with whom you inevitably have very little in common. i’ll meet some through the newspaper, and maybe through a class, and that’s fine. the question is, what distinguishes seniors from underclassmen? maybe our calm confusion as we see our futures.

is it better to put up with people i don’t like, and make nice in social situations, than to be more frank about my feelings? i tend to believe that going along is harmless in some instances, and big public gatherings are among these. like most adults, i am skilled at the purposeful ignore. but there is also a whole group of people with whom i like talking when we’re in a crowd together, who are fun in certain contexts, who are entertaining whilst under the influence. the well-roundedness of the social scene is what really appeals to me.

max and i also talked about the way people change during their years at school. max said he remembers himself as a first-year and thinks he must have looked like a total idiot. the thing is, everyone looked like an idiot at one point, even sober squares like me. and the other day, when i saw a faculty member kick a runaway grape under a table to avoid having to pick it up, it was comforting to think that those idiot moments would continue indefinitely. comforting and embarrassing, maybe. i’m hopeful that they’ll become less frequent, but can’t promise.

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