OF A GOLDEN AGE

one of my favorite quotes is from an episode of m*a*s*h. hawkeye tells someone, “you’re not self-destructive. take it from the guy who keeps sticking his finger in the pencil sharpener.” in so many ways i live my life trying to avoid self-destruction, but this is exactly when i walked into it: when i least expected and was focusing on other things. blindsided. i put it out of my mind for long periods of time only to get hit over the head with it again. if only there were a way to erase feelings written in permanent ink.

* * *

i can’t figure out why it’s the hardest thing in the world to get rid of some mediocre friends. maybe because it feels more like on a basic level we are speaking different languages, just completely missing the other person’s point and getting frustrated. maybe because i am always afraid that for some reason friends do not stick to me and my standards are too high. but being ignored, being fed excuses, these aren’t friendly things. it’s their context that makes them ambiguous. i don’t know what to do. life without risk isn’t as exciting; the pencil sharpener has purpose.

* * *

caroline: i decided officially that i don’t care if she hates me because she is a non-hand-washer who has bad taste.
caroline: the not hand washing is really the dealbreaker.
caroline: i mean, come on.
rich: It’s really that big a deal? I mean, yeah, it’s gross to not wash your hands. But dealbreaker?
caroline: um, YES.
rich: haha wow
caroline: how could it not be?
caroline: you can never touch her hands.
caroline: or touch anything she’s touched!
caroline: AND it is just a principle thing. I MEAN WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOESN’T WASH HER HANDS.
rich: A dirty person who doesn’t look good in yoga pants.
caroline: it’d be like someone who never showers.
caroline: (ALSO a dealbreaker.)
rich: Yeah, never showering is way worse.
caroline: NO!
caroline: they are equally awful!
caroline: you seem to be thinking not washing hands isn’t a very big deal. which is weird!
rich: Not at all! People who don’t shower smell bad.
rich: No, it’s a big deal. But it’s not on par with never showering.
caroline: people who don’t wash their hands have bathroom remnants on their hands!
rich: People who never shower have everything remnants everywhere!

touché!

* * *

yesterday i peeled off the outside bandage on my incision. underneath, there is still surgical tape over the stitches, but it is clear and i can see the future of the scar, which looks to be as minimal as can be expected. i worry that a body that already makes me so self-conscious can only do so more potently now. this is the way of the modern world, i guess, in which our media role models occupy the poverty zone of body weight, their bodies maintaining no character or individualism. but i would still rather not have this scar.

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